Losing Doesn’t Make Me a Loser. Here’s How to Explain it to Kids

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Losing is part of life. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things just don’t go your way. For kids, the first time they lose can be devastating. You don’t want your kids to lose, but it’s also a learning opportunity, and how we as adults handle the situation can set the stage for how they navigate losing in the future. “I dread the day when my daughter will lose her first competition. But, it’s an inevitable part of life. No one will win everything their whole life and it’s something she’ll have to learn eventually. It’s my role as her parent to guide her so that she knows losing is part of learning and it doesn’t mean that she’s a loser.” says Mina Yan.

The losses are difficult for many kids, especially if they have always been high achievers. Dulwich College Beijing senior Helena 石榴 recounts losing an annual music and drama award “At first, I was really disappointed because I was known as the music kid at school. I was younger back then, so I thought that people would be laughing at me for not winning an award. I was very embarrassed and disappointed.”

I’m Proud of You:

Start from this all-important phrase. Win or lose, letting your child know that you are proud of them and their effort will give them the confidence to try again.  We all need to know we are supported and loved regardless of our achievements. Be someone who can provide that for your child.

Reshape the Experience:

Acknowledge your child’s feelings about losing. It stinks. No one likes it. BUT losing can actually be a great thing because we always learn more from our losses than our wins. I have a tool I use for just about every project my students and staff complete, called Plus/Delta. It is especially helpful when things don’t go your way. Divide a piece of paper in half, and on one side put a big plus sign. Help your child find three to five things they did really well. “I didn’t quit,” or “I had the most colorful project,” or “I really liked the topic I chose.” No wrong answers. Do not let them skip this or start talking about what went wrong. It is too easy to ignore what we did well, and if we do that we forget to repeat it next time. Don’t lose the good stuff!

Next, put a triangle on the other side of the page. This is an uppercase delta, the Greek letter often used to denote change. You are not looking for things your child did badly, you want them to identify things they want to try and do differently next time. “Next time I will give myself more time to complete the project,” or “I will practice speaking more clearly for the presentation,” or “I will pass the ball more to my teammates.” The goal is to reframe negatives as opportunities for growth and give your child action items to reach their goal next time.

Helena’s Parents helped her do exactly that after losing the award. She told me “I realized that it might have been because I just entered Senior school that year (as I was previously in Junior School), so the Senior School music department probably didn’t know me that well yet. Plus, I also wasn’t very active in regard to music events or opportunities”

Next Time:

This is vital! The difference between losing and failing is not trying again. Everyone loses, but as long as you learn and apply the new knowledge to the next attempt you have not failed. And that can be a very important distinction. Knowing they will always get another chance to achieve your goal takes the sting out of the loss because it is not permanent and it allows your child to move on to the next phase. Helena again, “I was very determined to win an award the next year, I joined more ECAs such as Chamber Orchestra, a more musically challenging festival ISCMS, and the annual Young Musicians Competition … as well as becoming one of the music ambassadors. Ever since I’ve been nominated numerous times and won at least one award every year!

Good Sportsmanship:

Often when we are young we are competing against friends and fellow students. That gives us an opportunity to learn to be happy about our friends’ successes. Ask your child to think about how it feels to be congratulated on a win. Help them see that by saying “good game” and offering a handshake, high five, or hug, they are gifting their friend with positive feedback and support. By pouting, crying, or claiming it wasn’t fair, they might hurt their friend’s feelings when they should be enjoying their success. Your child is part of the win because they are part of the community. And in turn, when they win it will allow their friend to support them in the same way.

Have Fun:

Last but not least, keep it fun and low-stakes, especially when your kids are younger. Ending each competition with a laugh and a “nice job” reminds us why we play to begin with: to have a good time!

I asked Helena, Who is getting ready to graduate this spring how she views and deals with losing now as a young adult. “Instead of viewing it as a failure, I now see it as room for growth and development. Just like rejection, I see it as redirection.  Honestly, it’s really down to luck some of the time, but that doesn’t mean you can blame it on luck. Try not to think much about what you can’t control, but what you can control, like your emotions and steps moving forward. Think of it as a chance to view your future differently.”

Isn’t that the kind of healthy attitude we all hope to have when faced with a loss?

Images: Canva

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